ROLL UP, ROLL UP, sew up all your loose plot threads here!
Writing ladies and gents, I give you The One… The Only… The ultimate must-have accessory for the discerning novelist: yes, it’s THE INCREDIBLE PLOT TIE-ER UPPER, complete with needle-wielding monkeys (fresh from typing the Complete Works of Shakespeare) and a state of the art out-tray to capture your finished work of genius.
You’ll be the envy of all your writing friends with this essential piece of editing kit, and thanks to its impressive dual-powered renewable energy sources* the Plot Tie-er Upper costs just pence to run. Simply feed your loose plot strands into the integral feed-funnel (along with a generous serving of bananas) and let the magical monkeys do their work. Forgotten sub-plots and unresolved problems will be a thing of the past thanks to THE INCREDIBLE PLOT TIE-ER UPPER. Don’t delay. Order yours today.
*N.B. The Incredible Plot Tie-er Upper is powered by wind (sighs) and traction (head-scratching). A back-up battery pack is also available at participating outlets.
Question: What do best-selling children’s authors have that I don’t?
(And no, you’re not allowed to say “talent”. My blog, my rules, I’m afraid.)
Answer: Luck. Or, more specifically, a lucky horseshoe rescued from the muddy tussocks of Dartmoor, lovingly de-nailed and de-rusted and polished to a satisfying sort-of shine.
Admittedly this is largely (OK, totally) conjecture on my part but I like to think it’s what separates the literary elite from the literary wannabes. “And why’s that?” I hear you ask (yes, you do have to ask that, I’m afraid… like I said, my blog, my rules). Well, I’ll tell you why (seeing as you asked). It’s because I’m now the proud owner of my very own lucky horseshoe rescued from the muddy tussocks of Dartmoor, lovingly de-nailed and de-rusted and polished to a satisfying sort-of shine. Ta-dah!
It’s up in my writing room, positively glowing with authorial luck, so all I have to do is sit back and wait for the offers from agents, editors and Hollywood to come pouring in.
That’s it… any moment now…
Does anyone else out there have any writerly superstitions? (You know, just in case the horseshoe’s having an off day…
To grow your own critics you will need:
- 1 packet of mixed critic bulbs
- 1 generous patch of well-raked earth
Early autumn is the ideal planting time to guarantee a discerning spring crop. Plant your bulbs at well spaced intervals of at least 60 centimetres and cover with soil. Water well. It really is as simple as that. You should hope to see your first critic sprouting by mid to late January. At this stage they should be capable of absorbing anything between 1-2,000 words per day although their feedback may be a little basic.
By late February you can expect an average yield of three to seven critics, each capable of processing up to 20,000 words per week (which, let’s face it, is quicker than most of us can write).
While it’s tempting to weed out the harshest critics and sell them off as Sontaran collectables to gullible Dr Who fans, you’d do well to listen to what they have to say. They’re bound to have a new and interesting perspective on your precious tome and it’s worth remembering that their curmudgeonly nit-picking attitude may be partly due to soggy root feet and chin worms.
Of course if your fingers are of the less-than-green variety (and your garden of the less-than-capacious kind) you could always join a critique group instead. Apparently some writers prefer it…
Hmm, secret lives eh? To be honest, the secret bit’s actually quite boring. It’s all about the BIG REVEAL. Like when you come home early from school one afternoon to find your boring bespectacled bank clerk of a father engaged in one-to-one combat with a highly trained Ninja monkey… or that time when your Mum said she was going to drop some cakes off to the Brownies Bring & Buy sale, only she was gone for three months and when she came back there was Moon dust in her hair and her sensible flat-soled sandals looked suspiciously like space boots. (Goodness knows how she managed to drive to the Guide hut in those.) And don’t even get me started on Uncle Alfonso and the shark tank in the basement…
I must admit to being a bit on the greedy side when it comes to secret lives. I actually have two (neither of which involve battling Ninja monkeys, which is probably just as well given I never progressed beyond blue belt in karate). When I’m not tapping away at my trusty laptop as Jennifer Moore, writer, I can be found tapping away at my trusty laptop as Jaye Seymour, also writer, or tapping away in the guise of Beastly Blackbeard the Bad, the stinky scourge of the intergalactic highways and unacknowledged star of The Adventures of Jake & Moon Granny: Space Pirate Panic. Of course it wouldn’t do to unleash my inner pirate on a nice polite blog page like this (it turns out he doesn’t go down too well in the middle of school assemblies either) but if you’ve ever found yourself wondering what to buy a buccaneer for Christmas, or how to cut your toenails in space, you can find him/me over at BLACKBEARD’S BLOG.
Sadly Tesco (and Amazon) are clean out of BIG REVEALs this week so you’ll have to settle for a small book-shaped one instead, courtesy of Jennifer, Jaye and Mr Stinkypants-Piratebreath Blackbeard himself. Book 2 in The Adventures of Jake & Moon Granny series, BLACKBEARD’S REVENGE is out now, published by Knowonder! You can find it here and here complete with fabulous illustrations by D T Walsh. A little something for the children to read while they wait for Mum to come back from the Bring & Buy sale, maybe?
Be sure to check out Nick Cross’ amazing Massive Mash-Up Machine over at Who Ate My Brain for a hilarious new approach to penning your next children’s bestseller.
I got Winnie-the-Pooh meets Pride and Prejudice and will never be able to look at Tigger in quite the same light again. (It’s that bit where he steps out of the lake that gets me… the water dripping off his bright orange fur… Why, it’s enough to make a girl quite weak at the knees.)
The latest edition of the Middle Grade fantasy magazine, ‘Spellbound‘, is out now. It’s chock-full of sea monstery goodness, including my own short story ‘The Skrímsli’. Unfortunately I’m a bit short on decent sea monster photos to insert at this point (curses on the Kraken for swallowing my waterproof camera) so I’m going with a local pond-dancer instead. Butter wouldn’t melt in his little gosling mouth, but you wouldn’t want to get on the wrong side of his mother…
Writers are always whining on about the submission process – the long waits involved, the sleepless nights, the inevitable heartache… Personally, I don’t know what all the fuss is about. Writing the blooming novel can be tough, I grant you, but finding someone to sell it for you couldn’t be easier. The high street is full of estate agents, all equally desperate to take on your house precious tome. And the process needn’t be a long drawn out one either. All you need is a pinch of determination, a completed MS and a spare four walls and roof, by way of a covering letter.
My estate agent, the wonderful Lotta Brixter-Shift of Move4Less, couldn’t have been more surprised thrilled when my novel landed on her desk. I think her exact words were, “What’s this?” “I’m glad you asked,” I replied enthusiastically, moving straight in with my well-rehearsed escalator pitch. “It’s Harry Potter meets Wuthering Heights. A heartbreaking tale of one man’s fight with chronic obesity and the demon-infested gnomes in his geriatric neighbour’s garden.” I know. Who wouldn’t want to read that book? I could tell Lotta was impressed because she started making frenzied hand signals to the senior estate agent at the next desk and muttering something about it being time for her lunch break. (She was clearly desperate to sneak off for an hour and get reading straight away – and who can blame her?) I promised to come back later in the day when she’d had a chance to digest my creative genius at leisure and I’d had a chance to digest the tuna mayo baguette peeking out so seductively from the window of the sandwich shop opposite.
Well the rest of the story is pretty much by the book (if you’ll excuse the hilarious pun!). I returned to the estate agency later in the day to sort out the paperwork. Lotta insisted that I make my late 80s semi part of the sales package to entice perspective homeowners publishers and I finally agreed. We talked about what sort of offer I’d be willing to accept (you won’t believe the size of the advance Lotta is anticipating!) and before I knew it I was signing on the dotted line.
It’s taken a few days and a few bottles of celebratory fizz for it all to sink in… I’ve only gone and landed myself an estate agent! Lotta’s already sent someone round to take publicity photos and apparently I can expect my first round of perspective purchasers publishers this Saturday. They’re literally queuing up at my door for a chance to get their hands on my house novel! Next stop the Pimworth Property Pages New York Times bestseller list!