Writers are always whining on about the submission process – the long waits involved, the sleepless nights, the inevitable heartache… Personally, I don’t know what all the fuss is about. Writing the blooming novel can be tough, I grant you, but finding someone to sell it for you couldn’t be easier. The high street is full of estate agents, all equally desperate to take on your house precious tome. And the process needn’t be a long drawn out one either. All you need is a pinch of determination, a completed MS and a spare four walls and roof, by way of a covering letter.
My estate agent, the wonderful Lotta Brixter-Shift of Move4Less, couldn’t have been more surprised thrilled when my novel landed on her desk. I think her exact words were, “What’s this?” “I’m glad you asked,” I replied enthusiastically, moving straight in with my well-rehearsed escalator pitch. “It’s Harry Potter meets Wuthering Heights. A heartbreaking tale of one man’s fight with chronic obesity and the demon-infested gnomes in his geriatric neighbour’s garden.” I know. Who wouldn’t want to read that book? I could tell Lotta was impressed because she started making frenzied hand signals to the senior estate agent at the next desk and muttering something about it being time for her lunch break. (She was clearly desperate to sneak off for an hour and get reading straight away – and who can blame her?) I promised to come back later in the day when she’d had a chance to digest my creative genius at leisure and I’d had a chance to digest the tuna mayo baguette peeking out so seductively from the window of the sandwich shop opposite.
Well the rest of the story is pretty much by the book (if you’ll excuse the hilarious pun!). I returned to the estate agency later in the day to sort out the paperwork. Lotta insisted that I make my late 80s semi part of the sales package to entice perspective homeowners publishers and I finally agreed. We talked about what sort of offer I’d be willing to accept (you won’t believe the size of the advance Lotta is anticipating!) and before I knew it I was signing on the dotted line.
It’s taken a few days and a few bottles of celebratory fizz for it all to sink in… I’ve only gone and landed myself an estate agent! Lotta’s already sent someone round to take publicity photos and apparently I can expect my first round of perspective purchasers publishers this Saturday. They’re literally queuing up at my door for a chance to get their hands on my house novel! Next stop the Pimworth Property Pages New York Times bestseller list!