Hey you! Yes, you with the sad / worried / bored face.
Politics getting you down?
Rain getting you down?
Work / love life / clearing up after your incontinent dog getting you down?
And let me guess, you’re still putting off that trim to avoid awkward small talk with the hairdresser?
Just a hunch.
But all that’s about to change. I know just the thing…
Yes, my friend. What you need is the all new REALITY DEFLECTO SHIELD.
Okay, so I lied about the new bit, but trust me, the REALITY DEFLECTO SHIELD is the answer to ALL your problems.
Simply engage the built-in reality deflector system and the real word vanishes in an instant. No more political scrapping. No more puddles (rain puddles I mean, but it works just as well with the incontinent pooch variety). No more heartbreak or tedium or gloom.
And best of all, you can take your Reality Deflecto Shield to the hairdresser’s and avoid conversation ALTOGETHER. You won’t even have to look at yourself in the mirror!
Well, they come in a choice of colours. A choice of settings. A choice of moods. More choice than you could ever imagine. All you need to do is get yourself down to your nearest Reality Deflecto Shield stockist and get choosing…
To grow your own critics you will need:
- 1 packet of mixed critic bulbs
- 1 generous patch of well-raked earth
Early autumn is the ideal planting time to guarantee a discerning spring crop. Plant your bulbs at well spaced intervals of at least 60 centimetres and cover with soil. Water well. It really is as simple as that. You should hope to see your first critic sprouting by mid to late January. At this stage they should be capable of absorbing anything between 1-2,000 words per day although their feedback may be a little basic.
By late February you can expect an average yield of three to seven critics, each capable of processing up to 20,000 words per week (which, let’s face it, is quicker than most of us can write).
While it’s tempting to weed out the harshest critics and sell them off as Sontaran collectables to gullible Dr Who fans, you’d do well to listen to what they have to say. They’re bound to have a new and interesting perspective on your precious tome and it’s worth remembering that their curmudgeonly nit-picking attitude may be partly due to soggy root feet and chin worms.
Of course if your fingers are of the less-than-green variety (and your garden of the less-than-capacious kind) you could always join a critique group instead. Apparently some writers prefer it…