Welcome to the Writing Room.
From the outside it’s just a normal-looking door.
But, like all the best time machines, it’s much bigger on the inside…
Just a quick few thousand touches of the buttons on the control keyboard and the entire universe is your oyster…
Recent top destinations have included Victorian England, an alien maternity ship, the inside of Schrödinger’s box, Frogner Park in Oslo and the bottom of the ocean. But that’s merely the tip of the travelling iceberg. The writing room time machine promises to take you wherever and whenever you want and still have you back in time for tea. Not bad, eh?
There’s no need to splash out on psychic paper before boarding – as soon as you take your seat and fire up the controls you’ll find yourself slipping seamlessly into the skin of any chosen creature, be they human or otherwise, living or dead. They’ll probably require regular feeding, however, so be sure to bring a plentiful supply of tea, coffee and snacks.
Don’t forget to pack a spare pair of plotting pants and maybe a sonic biro or two for in-flight doodling. Next trip commencing in four… three… two… one…
It’s a question as old as the Twitter hills: are you a plotter or a pantser?
Ponder no more because now you can be both! Ladies and Gents I give you (dum, dum, dahhhh)…
THE PLOTTING PANTS OF POWER!!!!! *cue trumpet fanfare and lightning flashes*
Yes, it’s the product we’ve all been waiting for, the answer to every desk-bound scribe in search of underwear-based inspiration.
When it comes to your novel there’s nothing quite as important as a good opening. THE PLOTTING PANTS OF POWER come with a choice of 3 different openings (4 in the mens’ model) and are available in 2 delightful shades of excitement and adventure.
For writers looking to add a touch of humour to their plot we also offer a whoopee cushion insert and of course our reinforced gusset for added seated comfort comes as standard.
Please note the world-building power residing in every pair of pants can NOT be harnessed by the forces of evil. We do not recommend the use of our product for:
- Plotting the downfall of the monarchy
- Overthrowing peaceful nations
- Harnessing the evil powers of Dr Who Baddies for one’s own personal gain*
*the application of the Cybermen’s ‘DELETE’ function is permissible in certain circumstances
To grow your own critics you will need:
- 1 packet of mixed critic bulbs
- 1 generous patch of well-raked earth
Early autumn is the ideal planting time to guarantee a discerning spring crop. Plant your bulbs at well spaced intervals of at least 60 centimetres and cover with soil. Water well. It really is as simple as that. You should hope to see your first critic sprouting by mid to late January. At this stage they should be capable of absorbing anything between 1-2,000 words per day although their feedback may be a little basic.
By late February you can expect an average yield of three to seven critics, each capable of processing up to 20,000 words per week (which, let’s face it, is quicker than most of us can write).
While it’s tempting to weed out the harshest critics and sell them off as Sontaran collectables to gullible Dr Who fans, you’d do well to listen to what they have to say. They’re bound to have a new and interesting perspective on your precious tome and it’s worth remembering that their curmudgeonly nit-picking attitude may be partly due to soggy root feet and chin worms.
Of course if your fingers are of the less-than-green variety (and your garden of the less-than-capacious kind) you could always join a critique group instead. Apparently some writers prefer it…