(The Game that Puts the Pro into Procrastination)
Okay, so today’s the day you’re going to finish that chapter / start that new novel /crack on with that poem. Today is DEFINITELY the day. Only these things can’t be rushed. Maybe wait until you’ve got a few cups of tea inside you.
Okay, that’s better. Time to open up that Word document. As soon as you’ve checked your Twitter feed, that is. And updated your Facebook status. And put the bins out. Ooh, look, a new recipe for vegan Christmas pudding!
If you’d rather tweezer out your own eyelashes than buckle down to some proper writing then you’ve come to the right place. Grab yourself a Procrastination Bingo board and get crossing off those boxes. Heads down, everyone, markers at the ready. Any row to win or all 16 essential tasks for a Full House!
It’s a question as old as the Twitter hills: are you a plotter or a pantser?
Ponder no more because now you can be both! Ladies and Gents I give you (dum, dum, dahhhh)…
THE PLOTTING PANTS OF POWER!!!!! *cue trumpet fanfare and lightning flashes*
Yes, it’s the product we’ve all been waiting for, the answer to every desk-bound scribe in search of underwear-based inspiration.
When it comes to your novel there’s nothing quite as important as a good opening. THE PLOTTING PANTS OF POWER come with a choice of 3 different openings (4 in the mens’ model) and are available in 2 delightful shades of excitement and adventure.
For writers looking to add a touch of humour to their plot we also offer a whoopee cushion insert and of course our reinforced gusset for added seated comfort comes as standard.
Please note the world-building power residing in every pair of pants can NOT be harnessed by the forces of evil. We do not recommend the use of our product for:
- Plotting the downfall of the monarchy
- Overthrowing peaceful nations
- Harnessing the evil powers of Dr Who Baddies for one’s own personal gain*
*the application of the Cybermen’s ‘DELETE’ function is permissible in certain circumstances
ROLL UP, ROLL UP, sew up all your loose plot threads here!
Writing ladies and gents, I give you The One… The Only… The ultimate must-have accessory for the discerning novelist: yes, it’s THE INCREDIBLE PLOT TIE-ER UPPER, complete with needle-wielding monkeys (fresh from typing the Complete Works of Shakespeare) and a state of the art out-tray to capture your finished work of genius.
You’ll be the envy of all your writing friends with this essential piece of editing kit, and thanks to its impressive dual-powered renewable energy sources* the Plot Tie-er Upper costs just pence to run. Simply feed your loose plot strands into the integral feed-funnel (along with a generous serving of bananas) and let the magical monkeys do their work. Forgotten sub-plots and unresolved problems will be a thing of the past thanks to THE INCREDIBLE PLOT TIE-ER UPPER. Don’t delay. Order yours today.
*N.B. The Incredible Plot Tie-er Upper is powered by wind (sighs) and traction (head-scratching). A back-up battery pack is also available at participating outlets.
To grow your own critics you will need:
- 1 packet of mixed critic bulbs
- 1 generous patch of well-raked earth
Early autumn is the ideal planting time to guarantee a discerning spring crop. Plant your bulbs at well spaced intervals of at least 60 centimetres and cover with soil. Water well. It really is as simple as that. You should hope to see your first critic sprouting by mid to late January. At this stage they should be capable of absorbing anything between 1-2,000 words per day although their feedback may be a little basic.
By late February you can expect an average yield of three to seven critics, each capable of processing up to 20,000 words per week (which, let’s face it, is quicker than most of us can write).
While it’s tempting to weed out the harshest critics and sell them off as Sontaran collectables to gullible Dr Who fans, you’d do well to listen to what they have to say. They’re bound to have a new and interesting perspective on your precious tome and it’s worth remembering that their curmudgeonly nit-picking attitude may be partly due to soggy root feet and chin worms.
Of course if your fingers are of the less-than-green variety (and your garden of the less-than-capacious kind) you could always join a critique group instead. Apparently some writers prefer it…
Be sure to check out Nick Cross’ amazing Massive Mash-Up Machine over at Who Ate My Brain for a hilarious new approach to penning your next children’s bestseller.
I got Winnie-the-Pooh meets Pride and Prejudice and will never be able to look at Tigger in quite the same light again. (It’s that bit where he steps out of the lake that gets me… the water dripping off his bright orange fur… Why, it’s enough to make a girl quite weak at the knees.)
Writers are always whining on about the submission process – the long waits involved, the sleepless nights, the inevitable heartache… Personally, I don’t know what all the fuss is about. Writing the blooming novel can be tough, I grant you, but finding someone to sell it for you couldn’t be easier. The high street is full of estate agents, all equally desperate to take on your house precious tome. And the process needn’t be a long drawn out one either. All you need is a pinch of determination, a completed MS and a spare four walls and roof, by way of a covering letter.
My estate agent, the wonderful Lotta Brixter-Shift of Move4Less, couldn’t have been more surprised thrilled when my novel landed on her desk. I think her exact words were, “What’s this?” “I’m glad you asked,” I replied enthusiastically, moving straight in with my well-rehearsed escalator pitch. “It’s Harry Potter meets Wuthering Heights. A heartbreaking tale of one man’s fight with chronic obesity and the demon-infested gnomes in his geriatric neighbour’s garden.” I know. Who wouldn’t want to read that book? I could tell Lotta was impressed because she started making frenzied hand signals to the senior estate agent at the next desk and muttering something about it being time for her lunch break. (She was clearly desperate to sneak off for an hour and get reading straight away – and who can blame her?) I promised to come back later in the day when she’d had a chance to digest my creative genius at leisure and I’d had a chance to digest the tuna mayo baguette peeking out so seductively from the window of the sandwich shop opposite.
Well the rest of the story is pretty much by the book (if you’ll excuse the hilarious pun!). I returned to the estate agency later in the day to sort out the paperwork. Lotta insisted that I make my late 80s semi part of the sales package to entice perspective homeowners publishers and I finally agreed. We talked about what sort of offer I’d be willing to accept (you won’t believe the size of the advance Lotta is anticipating!) and before I knew it I was signing on the dotted line.
It’s taken a few days and a few bottles of celebratory fizz for it all to sink in… I’ve only gone and landed myself an estate agent! Lotta’s already sent someone round to take publicity photos and apparently I can expect my first round of perspective purchasers publishers this Saturday. They’re literally queuing up at my door for a chance to get their hands on my house novel! Next stop the Pimworth Property Pages New York Times bestseller list!